And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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