whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
