Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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