he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
