If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
