Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
