She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
