mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
