my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
