i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
