This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize
