i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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