The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
