Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
