Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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