WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Randomize
