I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
