Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
