More tranny stories later!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
