I have demons in me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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