my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
