So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
