Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
