When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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