i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
