remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
