shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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