I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
