yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
