the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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