He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
