The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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