You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize