Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
