if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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