I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
