need another drink. this is the easiest way
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
