Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
