If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
