we made out on top of his cat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize