My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
