I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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