New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
