I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
being pregnant is like rehab
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize