WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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