You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
