remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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