9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
