Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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