Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
