What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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