We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The adults are the big ones right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
