hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
