Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
