I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
