I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
