no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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