i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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