why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
