New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
