i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
