Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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