Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
