I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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