Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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