Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
