Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
