ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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