Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
