At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
