So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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