I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
