Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
