If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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