I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
