what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
