Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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