sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
