well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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